Not My Mother's Yakuza

Keeping Up with the Times

 

Two of my uncles on my mother's side.  
Just kiddin.'

        The presence of Japanese mobsters, the Yakuza, is no longer one that's hidden away in the shadows.  Modern Yakuza are recognized by the Japanese government as a legal business entity  (they do pay their taxes, after all).

        They're listed in public phone books, so you could drop by and say "hi" anytime.  They carry business cards like any other business men do, have corporate headquarters with luxury pools and gymnasiums, trade stocks and participate in corporate mergers and acquisitions.

        And as with today's average mobsters worldwide, human trafficking is still a thriving Yakuza business  (interestingly, they especially target unsuspecting Eastern European or Australian women, so you might want to rethink that ski trip to Japan with your hot Russian girlfriend; you may never see her again).

        They own the standard "front companies" that invest in construction and real estate, which is really convenient since Yakuza like to bury bodies in the foundations of buildings.  It is said that on average 10,000 people "disappear" annually in Japan, including the aforementioned Eastern European women.

        Their public presence and legal acceptance, however, make them a bit unique, a stand out from their worldwide mobster brethren, I'd say.

Traditions Are Fun, Too

Bet the "Soprano" wives never looked
like this.

        Some things, however, never change.  For instance, Yakuza still cut off body parts as punishment, known as ubezume, meaning "atonement."  This is an ancient carryover from samurai days.  Here's your average ubezume formula: one fingertip or so for a minor screw up; a whole thumb if you dare to have an affair with your boss's wife; and your entire arm if you're a perv who molests children.  Simple, but effective.

         And total-body tatts are still all the rage with the Yakuza, just as in the old days.  Even Yakuza women get tattoos.  The more tatted-up your body is, the more pain you obviously could endure, the more money you obviously have, and therefore, the more prestige you get to enjoy.
 
        Most importantly, as in times passed, the general populace still appreciates their services as a cheaper, speedier, more effective alternative to expensive lawyers.  This is because they know that Yakuza remain ever the stalwart upholders of good, solid traditional Japanese values. 

        Problem with your neighbor?  Let your fingers do the walking through the Yellow Pages and put the local Yakuza on it.  Then, problem solved --'cause your neighbor probably didn't need his fingers, anyway.

The Infamous Punch Perm

 

"Wazzup?"

        Ah, now we come to my personal favorite, the "punch perm."  Oh, they're out of style now.  But from the '60s to the '90s the stylish Yakuza man sported one, along with a tight-fitting white sweat suit, several gold chains for bling-bling, and maybe a missing finger or two for street cred.'

        Punch perms are basically afros, since black people were glamorized and idolized as the embodiment of crime and violence in the Japanese psyche, especially in the 60s during America's civil rights movement era --you know, "Black Power," "Super Fly," and all that.  Thus, the punch perm was born.

Tokyo Vice

Old photo of a real punch perm-
wearing Yakuza.  No funny cap-
tion here; I value my fingers.

        All of the above is according to a book written a few years ago by some crazy gaijin (foreigner) named Jake Adelstein.  Jake worked for many years as a crime beat reporter for the largest daily newspaper in Japan.

        So, one day Jake gets this great idea to write a tell-all book about the lives of the Yakuza: Tokyo Vice: An American Reporter on the Police Beat in Japan.  Fascinating book, for sure.  But if the Yakuza didn't find it to their liking, Jake could have ended up memorialized beneath a Japanese skyscraper somewhere.  I'm sure he cleared it with them before he published it.  After all, there's no such thing as witness protection programs in Japan (seriously, there isn't). 

Yeah Jake, you just enjoy those thumbs while 
you STILL got 'em, buddy.

.