.
I guess this theme is still on my mind since my last post, On Souls Slipping Away, Addiction, and the Death of Whitney Houston. In that post I mention how people raised by and around addicts may have developed coping strategies that no longer serve them in their lives presently. The dynamics of addiction don't only apply to alcoholism. Any addiction can be hurtful to the well-being of a family, such as sexual, gambling or narcotic addictions. Despite the circumstances, the impact is always similar and the self esteem and coping strategies of the adult child of an addict are negatively affected.
It is difficult hanging in there and dealing with these deep, troubling issues, and it is with tremendous courage that people do. The organization, Adult Children of Alcoholics, attempts to address this issue. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, it is not run by psychiatrists or other therapists. Rather, it consists of groups of people who are aware of having been negatively impacted by family addiction, and they support one another during their recovery processes. Each person's path is different, yet each shares similar enough experiences with the others.
Below are The Problem (and its shorter version, The Laundry List), as stated by the organization's creed, The Solution, and an editorial titled, Gratitude, A Universal Language, written by an anonymous member citing the benefit he or she received from this organization.
We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet, we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.
These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us ‘co-victims’, those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships. This is a description, not an indictment.
The Laundry List
(14 Traits of an Adult Child)
These are characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic household.
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in
to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
At a recent Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting, I gratefully and enthusiastically stated that everything I enjoy in my life today is a gift of ACA. Driving home later, of course, my inner critic began to question the statement, and I worried for a moment that I had seriously exagger- things" in my life, I realized again the truth of my claim.
Self-love? Self-acceptance? Forgiveness? I felt none of those before working the ACA Twelve Steps. Healthy boundaries? Didn’t have them. A loving Higher Power? Didn’t know one. Freedom from decades of in-ternalized shame and fear? Didn’t even think it was a possibility.
My checklist continued: Steady employment. Friends. A connected-ness to myself and others. Feelings. Discernment. Sanity. A re-awakening of my spirit. The ability to ask for what I need. The courage to be direct. A chance to love my family members "where they are" today. Clarity to act, instead of react. Awareness of who I am. Knowledge that I am enough. Opportunity to build the safe and emotionally sober relation-ships I have always wanted and deserved.
These are the gifts of my program. These are the things I’m grateful for.
My sponsor once told me that when we find ourselves grateful beyond what words can describe, it’s best to let our actions speak for us - giving back through service and by carrying the message to others who still suf-fer. As you will see on the following pages of this ComLine issue, grateful members of the ACA fellowship now span the globe and are giving back in a unique and remarkable way: by translating the fellowship’s literature into many of the major languages of the world.
From the ACA World Service Organization committee which coordi-nates the translation process, to each individual member of each language committee translating the Big Red Book one page at a time, every effort is an act of voluntary service. Every translated word is an act of grati-tude. And as a fellowship, we thankfully accept the work of our recover-ing fellow travelers eager to share the hope and promises of ACA.
___________________________________________
It is difficult hanging in there and dealing with these deep, troubling issues, and it is with tremendous courage that people do. The organization, Adult Children of Alcoholics, attempts to address this issue. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, it is not run by psychiatrists or other therapists. Rather, it consists of groups of people who are aware of having been negatively impacted by family addiction, and they support one another during their recovery processes. Each person's path is different, yet each shares similar enough experiences with the others.
Below are The Problem (and its shorter version, The Laundry List), as stated by the organization's creed, The Solution, and an editorial titled, Gratitude, A Universal Language, written by an anonymous member citing the benefit he or she received from this organization.
The Problem
Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional household. We had come to feel isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became peoplepleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics (or practiced other addictive behavior) ourselves, or married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.
We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet, we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.
 |
| Some children of alcoholics become addicted to alcohol themselves, and it can start at a young age. Others, may not actually start drinking, but may develop other addictive behaviors to deal with the stresses of life. |
The Laundry List
(14 Traits of an Adult Child)
These are characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic household.
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in
to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
The Solution
As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find freedom to express all the hurts and fears that you have keep inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carry-overs from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recover the child within you, learning to love and accept yourself.
The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic or dysfunctional parents, our Higher Power gave us the Twelve Steps of Recovery.
This is the action and work that heals us: we use the Steps; we use the meetings; we use the telephone. We share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. We learn to restructure our sick thinking one day at a time. When we release our
parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.
parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.
By attending these meetings on a regular basis, you will come to see parental alcoholism or family dysfunction for what it is: a disease that infected you as a child and continues to affect you as an adult. You will learn to keep the focus on yourself
in the here and now. You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting.
in the here and now. You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting.
You will not do this alone. Look around you and you will see others who know how you feel. We love and encourage you no matter what. We ask you accept us just as we accept you.
This is a spiritual program based on action coming from love. We are sure that as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with your Higher Power, yourself, and your parents.
Gratitude, A Universal Language
[by an anonymous member]
[by an anonymous member]
At a recent Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting, I gratefully and enthusiastically stated that everything I enjoy in my life today is a gift of ACA. Driving home later, of course, my inner critic began to question the statement, and I worried for a moment that I had seriously exagger- things" in my life, I realized again the truth of my claim.
Self-love? Self-acceptance? Forgiveness? I felt none of those before working the ACA Twelve Steps. Healthy boundaries? Didn’t have them. A loving Higher Power? Didn’t know one. Freedom from decades of in-ternalized shame and fear? Didn’t even think it was a possibility.
My checklist continued: Steady employment. Friends. A connected-ness to myself and others. Feelings. Discernment. Sanity. A re-awakening of my spirit. The ability to ask for what I need. The courage to be direct. A chance to love my family members "where they are" today. Clarity to act, instead of react. Awareness of who I am. Knowledge that I am enough. Opportunity to build the safe and emotionally sober relation-ships I have always wanted and deserved.
These are the gifts of my program. These are the things I’m grateful for.
My sponsor once told me that when we find ourselves grateful beyond what words can describe, it’s best to let our actions speak for us - giving back through service and by carrying the message to others who still suf-fer. As you will see on the following pages of this ComLine issue, grateful members of the ACA fellowship now span the globe and are giving back in a unique and remarkable way: by translating the fellowship’s literature into many of the major languages of the world.
From the ACA World Service Organization committee which coordi-nates the translation process, to each individual member of each language committee translating the Big Red Book one page at a time, every effort is an act of voluntary service. Every translated word is an act of grati-tude. And as a fellowship, we thankfully accept the work of our recover-ing fellow travelers eager to share the hope and promises of ACA.
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